You Suck At Photoshop # 2

Donnie Hoyle, once again,in his own unique and hilarious way shows you how to fix mistakes you’ve made earning him 2008 Webby Award Winner Best How-to Series Best Comedy Series – People’s Voice.
For those who have been searching, here is #2

You Suck At Photoshop……….#1

This brillaint series from the very talented Donny Hoyle had me laughing and learning at the same time, and I learned a lot. Why didn’t they teach like this when I was at school…why don’t they now?? No wonder the only thing I took up at school was space…   Put together on Youtube via MyDamnChannel ….here’s the first one…

Did you know New Zealand was the first country in the world to declare war on Germany?

… S’right… because we’re twelve hours ahead and Australia are two hours behind , so for the first two hours it was just Germany and us.”…..

Roars of laughter!!!

I’m at The Gables in Herne Bay, Auckland listening to comedian Brendhan Lovegrove as he gobbles up the crowd gathered for a night of comedy. Interesting crowd too, mostly made up of the Four Mortgages and an Early Heart Attack generation, but they don’t know how to relax here. They’ve come out for a laugh but want to debate the comedy. Brendhan pulls them into line smartly, Kitty O’Brien’s style …….. “ Look will you shut the fuck up”…..

We started out the same night together back in the late eighties doing stand up at Kitty O’Brien’s in a small upstairs bar. A bunch of us wanna be comedians out back getting our hearts and bowels sorted while the crowd gathered. The bar held about 70 people packed in, shoulder’s touching , only $5 entry so no too bad…. Or maybe it was. Kicking off the night was Alan Martinbus labelled the world’s worst comedian. Sadly he died… always on stage and once in real life…. Mind you he was fucking awful.

Everything is funny as long as it’s happening to someone else

I’d met him a few months earlier in a competition held at The Power Station in Auckland. A large venue with a broad stage, like a cinema with a huge comedy void between stage and audience. There were ten acts on the bill and we were the tail-enders. Alan ,who’d already upset the punters, wouldn’t give in, even to the deafening screams of “Fuck off , you’re shite!!” ..till someone hurled a full can of Lion Red at him which caught him on the side of the head and brought the message home. This done he backed off but still with a geeky smile across his face and a look that said back to the crowd “ You‘re sooo naughty!” ……could have been his catch phrase.

Next up was Shirley Burley….The crowd was heaving when she walked out to a four hundred strong chorus of “Show us your tits!!!.”…. she got as far as the microphone turned around and walked off. I never saw her again. I thought maybe she was a punter on her way back from the toilets and took a wrong turn. I went down as mediocre. You know that’s happening when the crowd are either laughing a lot or shouting abuse. I got neither…. at least Martinbus pissed them off. Following me was a guy who did Donald Duck impressions…… and he won!!….

The MonDesire Disaster

When I was a boy I told my Mum I wanted to be a comedian….. She laughed!!!…… I thought that was a good start myself…

Standing in front of a live audience was altogether something else and my first gig was a nightmare. I’d arranged this gig through an agent, Keith Leggett an ex Pat ex Black and White Minstrel who’d set up an agency cos he thought he could spot talent.

He must have been blind in one eye.

I’d spent all my teenage years and most of my early adult making people laugh … it was high time I shared my talent with the world. The eighth rule of comedy states: Never invite all your close friends to your first gig. All my friends had turned up to the Hotel Mon Desire, overlooking the beach at Takapuna and were every where except up the front where they could have been useful ….but no!! those seats had been reserved for the three pissed guys who just sat down and claimed them.

At the far end of the bar a pianist played easy listening music to anyone in earshot. I told him what was happening and could he introduce me at his next break… and btw ..nothing major, I’m just a new comedian. Leggett had turned up and settled himself between two small palm trees like a sniper. Piano player stands up… “Ladies and Gentlemen we have a lovely surprise for you now. A special treat, all the way from London , (I said nothing major) I know he‘s going to rock your socks off (why is he saying all this?)…. a very funny man…… Mr Terry Free!!

I stepped up to the microphone said “Good evening” froze, then my head went blank….. Silence all round. A minute ticked by… I looked at them and they stared back at me willing me on ,but I couldn’t do it. My mouth had gone dry and my head even blanker. I stood there in comedy nightmare space praying for help….. It came in a moment….

“Go on then tell us a joke!!”…………… shouted Pissed Man 1

“Yeah come on make us laugh”………… echoed very loud Pissed Man 2

Blanker and blanker….. It felt like punishment….

“Yeah! cos you’re a boring fucker, boring fucker, boring fucker, boring fucker, Sing all three Pissed Men!!!

Any friends had already retreated behind leafy plants or anything else that would hide them. I wanted it so much to be over and wake up from a bad dream….but still they went on “boring fucker, boring…..” …. I could see only one way out of this, picked up the stand and ran at them… All hell broke loose …Keith Leggett disappeared fast…….

A security guy came over to break up the fight , shouting at the hotel manager… “ I thought it was all part of the act!!! ” …then I got thrown out.

Last man standing was my mate Martin and we staggered round to the public bar to have a bit of a debriefing…..

“ What did you think?”

Taking a big swig from his pint he laughed “Well you were fucking awful”

I tune back in to Brendhan once more……. “China has 1,385,000,000 people…. New Zealand has four million!!.. We wouldn’t be the size of a village in China…. New Zealand would be the amount of people at the lights waiting to cross the road”….

And here I am all these years later looking for more punishment………well it was either this or bondage and I’m not as flexible as I used to be. I pull myself up, waiting for the intro… “ Now Ladies and Gentlemen, we have a special treat, all the way from London, a very funny man………..

A Very Merry Chistmas to all…..

Wherever you are

whatever you are doing

and whoever you’re doing it with…

Have a “Folkin good time”

and a trouble free holiday….