Eliza Carthy ‘My Music’ part 2

If you missed it here’s the second in the series of My Music:

You Suck At Photoshop # 2

Donnie Hoyle, once again,in his own unique and hilarious way shows you how to fix mistakes you’ve made earning him 2008 Webby Award Winner Best How-to Series Best Comedy Series – People’s Voice.
For those who have been searching, here is #2

Eliza Carthy: My Music Part 1.

Terry Free sings Hal-n-Toe

You Suck At Photoshop……….#1

This brillaint series from the very talented Donny Hoyle had me laughing and learning at the same time, and I learned a lot. Why didn’t they teach like this when I was at school…why don’t they now?? No wonder the only thing I took up at school was space…   Put together on Youtube via MyDamnChannel ….here’s the first one…

Did you know New Zealand was the first country in the world to declare war on Germany?

… S’right… because we’re twelve hours ahead and Australia are two hours behind , so for the first two hours it was just Germany and us.”…..

Roars of laughter!!!

I’m at The Gables in Herne Bay, Auckland listening to comedian Brendhan Lovegrove as he gobbles up the crowd gathered for a night of comedy. Interesting crowd too, mostly made up of the Four Mortgages and an Early Heart Attack generation, but they don’t know how to relax here. They’ve come out for a laugh but want to debate the comedy. Brendhan pulls them into line smartly, Kitty O’Brien’s style …….. “ Look will you shut the fuck up”…..

We started out the same night together back in the late eighties doing stand up at Kitty O’Brien’s in a small upstairs bar. A bunch of us wanna be comedians out back getting our hearts and bowels sorted while the crowd gathered. The bar held about 70 people packed in, shoulder’s touching , only $5 entry so no too bad…. Or maybe it was. Kicking off the night was Alan Martinbus labelled the world’s worst comedian. Sadly he died… always on stage and once in real life…. Mind you he was fucking awful.

Everything is funny as long as it’s happening to someone else

I’d met him a few months earlier in a competition held at The Power Station in Auckland. A large venue with a broad stage, like a cinema with a huge comedy void between stage and audience. There were ten acts on the bill and we were the tail-enders. Alan ,who’d already upset the punters, wouldn’t give in, even to the deafening screams of “Fuck off , you’re shite!!” ..till someone hurled a full can of Lion Red at him which caught him on the side of the head and brought the message home. This done he backed off but still with a geeky smile across his face and a look that said back to the crowd “ You‘re sooo naughty!” ……could have been his catch phrase.

Next up was Shirley Burley….The crowd was heaving when she walked out to a four hundred strong chorus of “Show us your tits!!!.”…. she got as far as the microphone turned around and walked off. I never saw her again. I thought maybe she was a punter on her way back from the toilets and took a wrong turn. I went down as mediocre. You know that’s happening when the crowd are either laughing a lot or shouting abuse. I got neither…. at least Martinbus pissed them off. Following me was a guy who did Donald Duck impressions…… and he won!!….

The MonDesire Disaster

When I was a boy I told my Mum I wanted to be a comedian….. She laughed!!!…… I thought that was a good start myself…

Standing in front of a live audience was altogether something else and my first gig was a nightmare. I’d arranged this gig through an agent, Keith Leggett an ex Pat ex Black and White Minstrel who’d set up an agency cos he thought he could spot talent.

He must have been blind in one eye.

I’d spent all my teenage years and most of my early adult making people laugh … it was high time I shared my talent with the world. The eighth rule of comedy states: Never invite all your close friends to your first gig. All my friends had turned up to the Hotel Mon Desire, overlooking the beach at Takapuna and were every where except up the front where they could have been useful ….but no!! those seats had been reserved for the three pissed guys who just sat down and claimed them.

At the far end of the bar a pianist played easy listening music to anyone in earshot. I told him what was happening and could he introduce me at his next break… and btw ..nothing major, I’m just a new comedian. Leggett had turned up and settled himself between two small palm trees like a sniper. Piano player stands up… “Ladies and Gentlemen we have a lovely surprise for you now. A special treat, all the way from London , (I said nothing major) I know he‘s going to rock your socks off (why is he saying all this?)…. a very funny man…… Mr Terry Free!!

I stepped up to the microphone said “Good evening” froze, then my head went blank….. Silence all round. A minute ticked by… I looked at them and they stared back at me willing me on ,but I couldn’t do it. My mouth had gone dry and my head even blanker. I stood there in comedy nightmare space praying for help….. It came in a moment….

“Go on then tell us a joke!!”…………… shouted Pissed Man 1

“Yeah come on make us laugh”………… echoed very loud Pissed Man 2

Blanker and blanker….. It felt like punishment….

“Yeah! cos you’re a boring fucker, boring fucker, boring fucker, boring fucker, Sing all three Pissed Men!!!

Any friends had already retreated behind leafy plants or anything else that would hide them. I wanted it so much to be over and wake up from a bad dream….but still they went on “boring fucker, boring…..” …. I could see only one way out of this, picked up the stand and ran at them… All hell broke loose …Keith Leggett disappeared fast…….

A security guy came over to break up the fight , shouting at the hotel manager… “ I thought it was all part of the act!!! ” …then I got thrown out.

Last man standing was my mate Martin and we staggered round to the public bar to have a bit of a debriefing…..

“ What did you think?”

Taking a big swig from his pint he laughed “Well you were fucking awful”

I tune back in to Brendhan once more……. “China has 1,385,000,000 people…. New Zealand has four million!!.. We wouldn’t be the size of a village in China…. New Zealand would be the amount of people at the lights waiting to cross the road”….

And here I am all these years later looking for more punishment………well it was either this or bondage and I’m not as flexible as I used to be. I pull myself up, waiting for the intro… “ Now Ladies and Gentlemen, we have a special treat, all the way from London, a very funny man………..

The French think of everything….

Chinese Bluegrass……

Roberta Flack Back From The Dead?!

At least that’s where I thought she was coming from.(guilty of listening to rumor and not following it up) but at age 71  she is once more touring the world and coming to New Zealand for some gigs at the main centers, as do a number of aging rock/pop stars now. Lionel Ritchie and David Byrne have the same idea.

I haven’t heard anything much  from Roberta since her double platinum album ‘Killing Me Softly” made No 3 in the U.S. pop charts way back in 1973,  only making the Brit charts at No 40 the same year.The last two of her albums making any dent were Oasis back in 88, which peaked at 159 in the charts  and Set the Night to Music in 91 peaking at 110.

I have to admit, even as a thorough folkie, I had a passion for her version of Ewan MacColl’s ‘ First time ever I saw your face’……….. I just played it and played it. McColl didn’t stand a chance.

Sadly I was having the shit kicked out of me in a Croydon pub whilst ‘Killing me softly ‘ launched itself on the jukebox so I’ve never been able to listen to it for long without regressing into a ball on the floor.

Great song though and I’m pleased to see that Roberta Flack is alive and well…………… for now.

If you hate your neighbours and they have young children give the kids a drum.

I woke this morning with a hangover, the first this year and I’d like to say the last but who knows. My trouble is I tend to down too many when I’m not driving, too many for me that is, five pints of Guinness writes me off.I’ve never been a big drinker.

The day started off O.K. and led me to the Thirsty Dog Pub in K Rd where Al (Swigger) Stacey has started a new folk club. Not a bad turn out considering it was a hot Sunday afternoon and several other events were taking place around Auckland, including The Big Gay Out.

The highlight for me was ‘blues man’ Mr Alan Young strutting his stuff……. ( this is back  at the Thirsty Dog by the way not the Big Gay Out!) …..Al’s impromptu performance took him off stage, sauntering  past the front two empty tables treating old hands and new comers alike to some class blues. Still in full voice he continued through the front door  onto the street to give the punters sitting outside a taste of what they were missing. (fortunately they weren’t traddies who’d gone out there for a quiet drink) and they lapped it up. Good on you Al… I think you’ve found your venue..

Just across the street is an old favorite of mine, the Dogs Bollix and The Bollix Cousins were ready to take a turn on stage. Sadly the place has gone down hill faster than the finance company I entrusted with my life’s savings and four Irish dancers performed to their parents and three customers.

Some people have said the Irish trend has gone and that maybe so but you don’t have to be Irish to make it a success.  You could have a German behind the bar with personality and the place could still rock but I feel the present owner would be better of auditioning for a roll as the new Invisible Man…  Bar managers are alright but it’s not their pub, you know what I mean. You have to put your heart in it. Such a waste of a great spot.

As I left I bumped into an old friend of mine over from the U.K. and we ended up back at my place with a little food, a lot of booze and plenty of news to catch up. The rest is history.

This morning brought me pain. My head was throbbing and my teeth hurt!! It felt like someone was knocking on my head to come in but as I came around I realised it was my friendly next door neighbour’s young children trying to out bang each other on the pots and pans their mother had laid out for them on the table just underneath my bedroom window. Like this but louder! Such consideration needs rewarding and when my mind comes back I’ll think of somthing. Anyone want to adopt?….